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My lockdown saga: the survival of the couple

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Told you that relationship goals during coronavirus quarantine would be my next subject. To be fair though, I had started thinking about this some time before the whole covid19 situation. I guess every couple with a long history – and especially some challenging times behind – comes to this at some point. So here is the second episode of my lockdown saga: the survival of the couple.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you’d meet today the person you’ve married years ago? Would you still fall in love with him or her? Would you still notice that person in the crowd? Would you still be impressed by the way he or she walks and talks?

Life changes you in so many ways…

Think about that. The more we age, the more we change. The things we live, the people we meet along the way. The challenges that are thrown at us, and how we choose to overcome them (or not). This makes you a different person, that’s simply inevitable. And somehow, thank God it’s like that! I mean, obviously, if I could have kept my teenager body at least, with my 35 yo mind, that would have been a pretty badass combo.

I don’t particularly miss the time when I was young and wild and free. Been there, done that, moved on. Ok, maybe I do miss that when my kids wake me up at 6am on weekends for instance. But I am glad that my priorities have changed with time. I am pretty happy with the person I have become. Not every day, let’s be clear. Anyways, point is, as your perspective on life changes, so might change how you perceive your loved one and how his/her flaws affect you. And given that we all have flaws (yes, you heard me, I am not perfect and neither are you), what really matters in the long run is our ability to work around those flaws.

How do you deal with compromise?

Is he as beautiful as you used to see him? Is she as unique and precious as she used to look to you? Do you give the same importance to the same things? Do you still like the same things? The more we age, the less we are flexible and open to compromise. And given that 50% of marriage is about compromise, I wonder whether I’d still be keen on negotiating the same things if I were to meet my husband today?

When I think at my divorced friends, I can see how some of them are now struggling with finding out what they really look for in a new partner. Does that change with time? Probably it does, and I believe that part of the problem is indeed the fact that our needs change too.

Our experiences have an impact on how we chose to live. Therefore, times might come where we need more of something that our partner was never able to give us in the first place. And the problem is, because that particular thing we need now had never mattered before, we cannot expect from our partner to suddenly have it! Nor to automatically understand where the hell all of that is coming from.

Three words for you: trust, respect and empathy

A couple that is capable of nurturing trust and respect and empathy towards each individual is unbreakable. This is what makes the difference and what can save it all, in the long run. I have no doubt.

I find this video particularly interesting and super well done. It’s in French but you can turn on English sibtitles. The whole series is actually great. As explained in here, the key to a successful relationship is found in the ability to grow and change together. Individuals change and so does the balance that keeps a couple together. The moment you deny that life changes you, and that you change with time, the harder it becomes to keep your couple alive. The real challenge then becomes to embark your other half into the change with you. You have to change together and considering that even soulmates can change differently, here it comes compromise again. And negotiation. But as long as you have trust, respect and empathy for each other, you are safe.

Easy, right? Now please try and keep this in mind next time you want to strangle your other half because you have been confined at home together for the past 5 days.

My lockdown saga: not today PJ’s!

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Today is day 2 of my lockdown saga, which started last Friday. I do not really count the past weekend as forced quarantine, given that usually we are so tired from hustling all week, that we don’t do much on weekends anyways. Better: we do nothing. We stay home, do laundry, watch tv, cook, sleep, maybe dance a bit, and drink wine.

So far, I have to say that this awful coronavirus has not changed our lives that much. If you have read my previous post, you know that I am a huge fan of the couch. Plus, we are lucky enough to have a little garden. So, when there is too much pressure, quarantine or not I can close the kids outside and only open the door to interact with them the moment I hear crying and smell blood. Which actually happened, just a couple of hours ago.

Back to my story

Yesterday, I decided some prep was necessary in order to keep the kids busy throughout this lockdown saga. And turns out, it’s working! They love the fact that we have a planning to follow with things to do (and mostly, things not to do, like disturbing mommy while she is at her laptop). But I realized I also needed a planning for myself too. And first thing I have put on there for this morning was dress up.

Dress for yourself

I have already written about dressing for yourself and not for others. I have always been a fan of choosing my clothes based on what makes me feel good. I truly believe that feeling comfortable in your looks gives you the confidence you need, to go out and kick asses. And now I realize that I need that same confidence for staying home and kick asses.

Therefore, this morning I decided I would dress up as if I needed to go out and attend a meeting. Shoes are not required here of course, but I am satisfied with feeling good from head to ankles. I definitely do not want to spend the next 45 days (because this is what we are looking at) in my PJ’s! I haven’t put any make up on today, maybe tomorrow. I still have 45 days to figure how I want to handle that. But I think I owe a minimum of décor to myself and my self-esteem.

An act of self-care

I feel like my lockdown saga could be way worst if I were not taking care of myself. In the end, prepping up and taking the time to wear those trousers that flatter you can only help you feel better. Unwrapping that new beautiful purple pull-over you offered yourself for your birthday but were waiting for a nice occasion to wear… Well, deciding that today was that day, really made me feel good about myself.

We all need little wins like this, to cheer ourselves up and feel better. In these challenging times, more than ever. I hope this will help you somehow. I don’t know, maybe tomorrow you will put this and other self-care stuff on your lockdown planning too. And if it will make you feel confident enough to forget what we are going through, even if just for a second, that would make me really happy.

On an additional note… Hubby will be at home with us too, starting tomorrow. Something tells me the next thing I will be writing about is relationship goals during lockdown. Stay tuned!

The power of being grateful

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I have started to write this post a couple of weeks ago, while I was grounded with the flu and feeling like shit. All after having been grounded for two weeks already, because the two kids were sick. Twice, both, and from two different viruses. One after the other. God, I love being a mom! During that time, I have been going from moments where I could barely breath and think, to moments where I’d wish everyone would magically disappear and just leave me alone (on a warm sandy beach, possibly). Clearly, I was not able to see the power of being grateful at that time.

A revelation

The moment I started to feel like myself again though, a big revelation hit me. When I was at my lowest, I was literally feeling like I was going to die. Still, I was not able to appreciate the fact that I was not dead yet. Maybe it’s because, deep down, I perfectly knew that at some point I would get better, eventually. Which could explain why we appreciate the things we have only seconds after we’ve lost them. And why we can only start to acknowledge the power of being grateful after something bad has happened.

I have already said many times how lucky and blessed I am for having two beautiful and healthy children. Well, healthy clearly not. But nothing too serious so far, I mean. However, I have also always been very honest and opened about how difficult it is to be a parent (and especially a mom). It’s a hell of a roller-coaster journey! Especially those times when you are sick and not only there is no one to take care of you, but you must take care of two little sneezing and puking humans.

Is it the fever talking?

Well, maybe it was at some point. But I cannot blame it on the fever anymore. I think we must reconcile with the fact that we cannot feel gratitude every time. Our pain and our sadness must be processed before we can live again. Particularly, when we feel like life has let us down. And I have to thank my therapist for teaching this to me. Hes site is in French only at the moment but she speaks very good English and she is great.

It is very hard to acknowledge the power of being grateful when the only thing you wish for is you did not have a nose or a throat, for instance. But now I’ve come to realize that the moment you can take back control of your “normal” you, and you start to appreciate life again (which, in my case, was when I could have a sense of smell again), being thankful for what you have can help you feel even better and accomplish even more.

We are so damn lucky to be able to grow old and watch our kids grow and help them become fulfilled adults. Or even just adults, I am good with that. Only, we do not think about it in this way. At least not until someone dies or loses it all.

The real privilege is growing old

Why is it that all we see when we get dressed in the morning are the kilos we cannot put down? Why all we think about when we look at ourselves in the mirror are the wrinkles and the white hair? What if we decide to change that and only focus on what we are, what we can be, and the immense gratitude for still being able to be something? Growing old is a privilege, a luxury that unfortunately is not given to everyone. We are so stuck in society’s perception of life, that we forget what really matters.

Life is so fragile, yet we tend to forget it. Probably because we would be too scared to live and be otherwise. However, I find extreme strength in reconciling with the fact that it could all go in a second. And taking a moment to think about this can only makes us stronger. These things happen more often that we think unfortunately. Being grateful for what we are, day by day, helps to stay grounded and make the most out of the present.

I promise myself…

I am promising myself to be more grateful every day. To take a moment every night and every morning, to acknowledge all the great things that the day has brought. Starting from waking up, spending time with my loved ones, getting to see my kids smile, taking them to school, cooking for them, and yes why not, even yelling at them.

By expressing gratitude for what we have, what we are and what we can be, we inevitably focus on the positives, which also include things we have accomplished and not only things we’ve been given by others. And when you recognize the good you have been capable of doing to yourself, your self-esteem inevitably grows too!

So tonight, before going to sleep, I will try and think about all the little things I am grateful for. I have already written about the need to stop complaining about what we do not have and start focusing on what we do have. This time it’s more about thanking God, the universe, or anyone you believe in, for what you have been able to live today and embracing the power of being grateful. You will see that this positive energy will come back at you at some point.

Five reasons NOT to be perfect and live perfectly happy

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Let’s start by saying that perfection does not exist.

Yes, you read that right. Perfection does not exist. What? Wait. That can’t be true! Well, luckily enough for all of us, it is true. Perfection is nothing but another very weird concept invented by human beings to feel like shit and make others feel like shit. It does not exist in nature, nature is not perfect, so why should we be?

I know this sounds super easy but actually what we are doing here is turning years of occidental education upside down (and most probably your mom and dad will not agree with me). I have only just found this out myself at the age of 34 and it took me at least a couple of months to start accepting that perfection is not a real thing (and I am still struggling with it).

Like you, I grew up with a huge social pressure on my shoulders: be the perfect daughter, then be the perfect friend, then the perfect girlfriend, the perfect wife, the perfect mum… it is all a big lie guys! The moment you acknowledge that perfection does not exist, you will immediately feel relieved and less stressed.

Trying to achieve something that does not exist is stupid.

Didn’t we just say that perfection does not exist? So stop trying to achieve it, you are losing your time running after the impossible, and how frustrating is that? Let’s focus on being as good as we can instead, without comparing ourselves to others at every step of the journey.

Life is not a competition and what you see on Instagram is not real (but I hope you knew this already at least. I mean, in a real world if Ariana Grande was really wearing white Crocs sandals with white socks the world would end and she would immediately lose the 6 millions of followers she has, right? That can’t be true come on!).

We should all aspire at being the best version of ourselves and that’s it.

Imperfections are your friend (and your strength).

We all have imperfections given that, as we just said, perfection does not exist. So stop feeling guilty about your imperfections! In a world where everyone ends up looking alike while trying to be perfect (with high boobs and a flat stomach and perfectly done nails and Kardashian’s contouring on your face – especially after you’ve had kids, and the gravity is not a friend of yours anymore), imperfections are what makes you different! Instead of trying to hide them, you should leverage them and use them to become stronger. 

Nobody is perfect! And if you do not want to believe me, at least you should believe Celine Dion and her new song “Imperfections”. So if we would all stop hiding our imperfections instead of faking it hard and showcasing a perfect life that we do not have, we’d all be friends!

Failure is part of the journey

Easier to say than to apply, I agree. But when failure comes, the only way to get through it is to embrace it; and while perfection does not exist, failure is very real but it is not as negative as we’ve been taught. It is simply the way we learn things.

Being a mom has taught me a lot of things. Surprisingly, most of them have been taught to me by my kids. Looking them learning something new every day, accepting and embracing failure every time, has amazed me. And the funny thing is, for them it does not just hurt emotionally, but physically too! Think about when they learn to walk

It is all in your hands.

This is not just a way of saying. A nice mantra that you read on those motivational cards on Instagram. I have tried this on my skin and can confirm that happiness is a state of mind. I am more and more convinced that you can chose if you want to be happy by the way you decide to look at yourself and at others. It’s basically the good old grandma’s “half full or half empty glass”. And most of the times, the answer to our questions is already there, inside us. Only, we are either looking for it in the wrong place.

Self-consciousness is the key. Our body already knows it all, the only thing we have to start doing is to listen to it. My therapist recommended this very funny and revealing series of YouTube video pills on emotions. I absolutely invite you to check it out as it’s amazingly inspiring and a great eye opener! You will learn that emotions are the language of the brain. This is the way your brain communicates with you, so it is super important to listen to them. Check-in on yourself daily and take action as required. I guarantee you will start to feel better immediately. Been there, done that!

A successful marriage in ten moves. True or False?

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Here are my ten most important moves for a successful marriage. I have had some fun collecting thoughts and confessions from friends throughout the years and surprisingly, some of the false you will find down here once used to be my biggest truths…

Number one: you can’t change your partner, so stop trying. TRUE

It is probably thanks to your differences that you ended up together, only with time (and kids maybe?) you will naturally develop a very dark desire to change who your partner truly is. It usually starts with a series of blaming exercises like “why can’t you be more like me?”. This thing here is called Utopia and in order not to fall in the trap, you need to stay away from the temptation to focus on the differences.

Try to keep your eyes on the positives: if you keep reminding yourself the things that made you fall in love with your partner, you will be fine, even at challenging times.

Number two: just be yourself. FALSE

Hey hubbies and wifies out there! It is absolutely NOT because you can’t change who you are that you should just chill and not make any effort whatsoever to make your other half happy. Being yourself is not enough. Everyone knows that concessions and compromise are the keys to a long, healthy and successful marriage. Therefore, you can continue to be yourself, yes, as long as you also start making efforts to become an even better version of yourself.

Number three: love is all you need. FALSE

Unfortunately, love is not enough, no. We’d be taking another wild journey into the magic world of Utopia if we’d tell ourselves otherwise. Sometimes you need compassion, understanding, a good chat, a break, a funny night out. And sometimes, your friends (who have a life too in case you hadn’t noticed) cannot give you that. I think we can all agree that it’s fair to expect all of the above from your partner too.

Number four: happy self, happy couple. TRUE

For years, I have been lying to myself thinking I could only be happy in my relationship. Worse, I was so deeply convinced about my interpretation of happiness that I used to blame my husband who’s always been very real about putting his self happiness first.

It’s okay if your husband has a hobby (as long as that hobby is not a 20-year-old SHE), and you should have one too! If you want a successful marriage you should focus on nurturing your inner self and maintain a certain individual space, hobbies and friends, without necessarily sharing everything. As long as both of you are aligned on this one, you are safe and you will see that you can be even happier when you are together.

Number five: don’t say it, just prove it. FALSE

Honestly you guys! You think that just because you stick around that’s going to be enough? OK, that’s kind of THE thing to do, I give you that. But what about saying it out loud too?

For some people here, the spoken part is as important as the lived one. Do not underestimate the importance of the words you say (or do not say), and this applies to both the good things as well as the bad. Try for instance not to go to bed angry with your other half (which – I agree – can be a hell of a challenge when your hubby is already asleep ten straight seconds after he has touched the pillow). But you’ve got to try! And if there is anything you really wish to discuss, note it down and bring it up the next morning. Do not keep things in for too long, or they will start to beat you up from the in inside.

Number six: never forget you are a team. TRUE

In the good and the bad times, know what team you are on and play for that team, and that team only. Strategy can be discussed, argued and changed, but when you play out of home you can’t play solo! This is even more powerful when you have kids. Those little humans can smell fear from kilometers, so stay united team parents!

And you, husbands out there: when you get home after we’ve been having the kids all afternoon (and by all afternoon I mean two very long hours between after-school and dinner time, which feel way longer than the whole Star Wars saga), do not criticize our educational choices the moment you get back home, cause you were not there!

Number seven: share the pain, share the gain. TRUE

Apparently, the ideal job is made by 70% of tasks representing your talents. Therefore, at home, if you are more talented for taking care of the kids cause you have patience – and your other half can barely handle two series of “and why is that mommy? why??” before feeling like burning the whole place down -, then you handle the kids. But each has to find a talent and lead with it (everyone has a talent, do not dare to say you don’t!).

Number eight: no secret garden. FALSE

I cannot believe there are still couples out there that think it’s good not to have any secrets. Come on, let’s be serious for a second here. Do you truly believe your loved one tells you EVERYTHING? I think that keeping small secrets from each other (and I cannot stress enough on the “small” here) is totally fine and helps keeping that little bit of mystery spark alive. It is fine not to share everything, with the exception of the important things of course.

Let’s say you should behave as you do in the workplace: take your liberties, pretend like you were in a very important meeting while you were actually on social all afternoon, but never sell your employer’s secrets to the competition.  

Number nine: don’t judge, be judged. TRUE

If you want a solid, successful marriage, you must have a sounding board throughout the journey. A fine selection of bad ass judges, who can review and criticize your couple inside out and without any filter, decency nor restraint whatsoever. Just like you were on The Voice. The secret here is to choose them right (so ensure you pick a devil’s advocate too, those can be of help every now and then).

Number ten: know your list and not his/hers. TRUE

Everyone has a list, even those who say they don’t. I’d say that up to five years into marriage, your partner will probably tell you there is only you on his/her list. However, with time you will get used to the fact that his list will be more and more crowded. And I think that’s fine, cause you have your list too, right? The golden rule for a long-lasting, successful marriage here is to only allow people like Jessica Alba and Leonardo DiCaprio. It is forbidden to fantasize on your partner’s best friends. And now, if you do not have a list (liar!), please go start one up.

A farewell to gluten

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How you can stop eating what you love most in 5 (not easy) steps.

Step 1: accept the change

The first and most important thing to do in order to stop eating what you love most is to accept change. When change knocks at your door, most of the time it is unwanted and unexpected. Your animal instinct will immediately tell you to fight what is happening. And if you think of it, that’s the most logical reaction.

This is exactly what happened to me a couple of months ago, when the doctor told me I had to stop eating what I love most: gluten. Basically, anything that I love (pasta, pizza, pastries of any kind, bread, cakes, biscuits…). I am not sure you can understand how painful this revelation is for someone like me. I am Italian, for God’s sake! All my daily meals have featured white flour for 34 beautiful and unforgettable years.

Come on, is it even physically possible to live without gluten? And if so, is a gluten-free life worth living? I wanted to die at first. It took me a whole 2 weeks of gluten overdose during holidays in Italy, to realize that maybe my body knew more than I do. And that, maybe, a journey into the gluten-free world could not do me wrong in the end.

So here is what I’ve been learning: when change gets at you, the best thing you can do is just roll with it. Fighting the change will bring you nowhere, plus you will need all the energy you can spare to stay strong through the process. So suck it up babe! You got this.

Step 2: keep your eyes on the prize

Changing a life-long habit is never easy. It can help to think that when these things need to happen it is usually for something even better to happen next. Therefore, if you want to stop eating what you love most, you need to stay focused!

The key is to remind yourself that it is worth it. Think about the positive effects that this change will have on your body and your mind. Set reminders on your phone. Schedule some time during the day to circle back to your “why’s”. Think back at what awaits at the end of the journey. For me, it’s the promise of feeling better, less tired and galvanized.

At the beginning, I thought I could also aspire to lose some weight but you will find out this ain’t going to happen due to step 4. Of course, an intimidating, kick-ass doctor who keeps regular track of your diet can help too.

Step 3: celebrate the little wins

The road to change will be so very long. You have to praise yourself every single day for having controlled your basic instincts and for resisting to temptation!

Believe me: when you have lived and loved all sorts of bread since birth, you realize that even spending just one day away from a baguette is a huge accomplishment. Which, in my case, needs celebrating with a big nice glass of red wine. Again, you will see in step 4 how I am not going to lose any weight here.

I have tried so many different diets in my life. I’ve always found it easier to stick to the change after a small time of exaggeration. Like I said before, if you know you have to stop eating white flour, I suggest you start after a full week of cakes and pastries of any kind. That will make you so sick you will almost be even happy to start your new diet!

(Note to self: look at you, thinking you can trick your mind so easily. Good for you!).

Step 4: find an enjoyable alternative

There is always an alternative. Even if not the most suitable (like the big glass of red wine I just spoke about). But that doesn’t matter at this stage. When you are asked to remove something you love from your diet, the only way through is to find something that is somehow equally enjoyable.

Therefore, when you are told to stop eating white flour like me, sadly, you need to find something that will replace your afternoon cookies. I stuff myself with chocolate for instance. After all, no one said this new diet was supposed to make me lose weight.

This is your safe anchor, the one little thing that you will hang on to during difficult times, and the little treat that will keep you from falling into depression, so it has to be something that is enjoyable enough to keep you away from trouble and temptations.

Step 5: listen to your body

This is probably the most serious and eye-opening tip you can grab from this list. Believe me, your body knows better than you do. It does know what is good for you and if you take the time to listen to it, it will even tell you what is bad and has to be stopped.

When my body started not to function as expected anymore, I went to see a specialist. She told me that those little pains here and there were signals my body was throwing at me, to tell me that something was wrong and had to be changed.

Again, for someone who loves any kind of pizza (and when I say “any kind” that also includes “cheesy crust” from Pizza Hut, which normally sounds like an insult to most Italians) it takes a lot to digest an information like this. Your body does not tolerate the things you love the most. I almost fainted in front of the doctor.

At first, I thought my body did not love me at all, given it was basically sending me directly through a living hell. With time, and after spending a couple of weeks into step 1, I started to realize that actually my body did love me. And that is exactly the reason why it was telling me to stop gluten.

Now if you’ll excuse me: it’s breakfast time and I have a warm double chocolate croissant waiting in front of me (hey, nobody is perfect, and maybe I am still struggling with acceptance here…)


Accept who you are: the art of not letting go

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I am sick and tired of people telling me to “just let go”. When you accept who you are, acknowledging that we are not all the same, you can perfectly live without letting go.

How many times have you had someone say that to you?

“Just let go!”. As if it was the easiest thing. Oh, you are hurting because you had a rough phone conversation with your boss? Just let go! Oh, your to do list is growing instead of getting shorter and that gives you anxiety because you are afraid you won’t be able to achieve all of that at your best? Come on, don’t worry, just let go, it will be fine!

Well well. What if we were not all the same? Why can we not accept who we are and live with the fact that there are people (like me) who simply cannot let go?

I wish I was a robot

Sometimes, I wish I was a robot and could simply switch the “care button” off and just turn the page and move on. I remember that episode of “The Big Bang Theory” where Penny tries to teach Sheldon to let go. She tells him to think of his problem as if it was a pen, then simply take the pen and drop it on the table, letting go of that pen. And he just can’t, because even if his problem turned into a pen, he would still care about that pen (he’s been having that pen for so long and he cannot simply drop it on the table!). I love that episode.

There just are people (like me – and Sheldon) who are way more sensitive than average. The problem is that our society constantly criticizes and tells people like me off. We are either too kind or we care too much. Why can’t we just accept who we are? Embracing our differences and accepting how we are not, too. And how difficult it is for us to move away from certain situations.

Screw you, Elsa!

The truth is, the more you are connected and invested, the harder it will be to let something (or someone) go. If you care about others, if you show some compassion and humanity, super hard. When you lead your life by listening to your heart instead of your mind, you are basically screwed. Unfortunately, we live in a world where being sensitive is perceived as a weakness. Being kind is turned into being naive, or stupid.

So screw you, Elsa! Stop telling me I have to let it go. Maybe it is so easy for you given you are a beautiful queen living in the mountains with no bills to pay. Have I watched Frozen too many times? Yeah, I think mommy definitely needs some adult time.


Finding balance

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Or – how you thought you had everything perfectly under control, but instead, you do not even know where your balance is and how you can find balance for a better life.

I have never really understood why people are so insensitive at work. It’s as if every morning, as soon as we walk into the office, something comes over us and makes us forget who we really are, that we’re here on earth for a blink of an eye and – instead of cherishing each other and making an effort to make this journey pleasant for all – we do our utmost to be jerks.

Does it really have to be like that?

Is that what’s needed to have a career and be successful? Could it not be different and should it not be different? Why are we being like this?

I can’t help but think that it’s a question of balance and most importantly finding balance for a better life. That famous “work-life” balance that’s filling up glossy magazines and empty HR promises. Is it really working? For whom? And how can we find our own?

Last Friday hubby and I were having dinner, alone, just the two of us. As it used to be. Before the kids, I mean. It’s crazy how difficult it is to get some space once you become parents! So we decided we would invest some money in a babysitter at least once a month to make time for those little “just the two of us” moments.

Anyways, when dessert arrived, he asked me what I wanted to do. Not after dinner; really, in my life, in the near future or in the long run…

I did not know. Scariest thing ever. How can I be almost 34 and not know what I want to do with my life?! I’m supposed to be the adult here – I’m supposed to have a plan. I should have found my balance already.

Where the hell is my balance?

Turns out, I really don’t know. Finding balance for a better life is not that easy.

It was not just because the dessert was so delicious that my mind was completely blown away (I had tarte Tatin with vanilla ice cream – orgasmic). I truly, really honestly, did not have an answer, and that was hard to admit, hard to live with. So I started thinking about it.

How come I do not know?

I have always been so sure about myself and I never thought moments like this one could happen – especially not as a thirty-something, working mom, married to a great guy who takes me out for tarte Tatin.

Wasn’t this supposed to happen in our senior year, when we had to choose which uni to pick? Or when you were dating both the good guy and the jackass and you didn’t know which one to drop?

Well, my friends. Apparently this can also happen when you think that your fate is traced, that all is decided that all you can do is just keep going. That “this is as good as it gets”, like Jack Nicholson says in the movie.

No, not for me. It may have been the dessert, it may have been the extra glass of wine, it may have been my husband looking at me with a question that had nothing to do with diapers or groceries, but I had an epiphany.

I need more me time.

No, scratch that. I want more me time. I want time to do the things that really make me happy, to focus on finding that balance for a better life. Like writing this blog, for instance. I am doing this for myself, simply because it helps me put order in my thoughts. And that’s what will reset the balance.

This space is like a secret journal for me really, except that I feel like I’m probably not the only one going down this route in this very moment, and I would love to hear from others that are on my same boat.

And you? How are you keeping your balance? Tell us your story and we will publish it on here! getintouch@thereallifeblog.com

Epiphanies and resolutions

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The beauty of having epiphanies is all in the making resolutions afterwards. But it is never easy, because most of the time, resolutions translate into change and God knows how much human beings do not like change!

Epiphanies are funny, because they hit you all of a sudden and when you least expect them. It’s like when you have to make a decision. Should I go right or left? Should I eat this cookie or not? And then you turn, or eat the damn cookie, and all of a sudden BAM! The correct answer is crystal clear and right in front of you. Yes, you turned the right corner or, no, you shouldn’t have had that cookie.

A moment of bliss

What triggers that “click” in our minds that allows us to see things we hadn’t been able to see before? Why is it that obvious answers are sometimes so difficult to get to?

Well, I think that we’ve probably been looking for the answers to those obvious questions in the wrong places. Sometimes, we might have been asking the wrong questions all along, or maybe, we hadn’t even started questioning ourselves at all. But what’s good with epiphanies is that they come with resolutions. You cannot just have a revelation and then sit on it as if it never happened. Or probably you can, but then I am not sure you’d be happy. When having epiphanies you also have to make resolutions and this is for sure the hardest part.

A no-brainer

My latest epiphany consisted in realizing that the only one to blame for putting so much pressure on myself (as a woman, a mum, a wife, a friend and a worker) is actually me. A no-brainer, as a matter of fact, but somehow I always thought that I was doing a bunch of stuff “because it had to be done”. So what kind of resolutions could I make, in order to move on from this epiphany?

I’ve decided to stop running all the time, especially when it’s not even clear where I’m running to (or from). As my mum used to say, you shouldn’t jump off a bridge just because someone told you to – let alone if that someone is you and you’re not even sure why you should jump in the first place.

I decided that it was time to stop listening to that little voice in my head pushing me to always do more, reach higher, run faster. Mostly because my voice can’t answer two simple questions: why? And what for?

Refocus on the really important things in life

Not long ago, I was working really hard towards getting a promotion which, to my big surprise, I was refused. After the initial disappointment, though, I realized that what I regretted the most was focusing so many hours each day on what a thought was a priority (a step up in my career), to the detriment of my other aspects of my life, that I wasn’t looking at as important. Until then, I had felt that my family-related tasks were taking away focus from my “precious” work time, when in reality it should have been the other way around. And when that epiphany hit me, I took my refused promotion for what it really was: a great opportunity to re-prioritize. 

I have been blessed many times in my life already. I have two beautiful kids and I have found the love of my life. There is a roof over my head and a family to return back to. And friends, a lot of friends who care about me. But somehow, it’s like I had to go for what I did not have. Or perhaps worse – wanting it so badly made me overlook and underestimate what I should have cherished.

Looking back now, am not even sure I really wanted that job. I think I was just going with the flow. I was just doing what everyone else around me thought was the right thing to do, because aren’t we all pushed to want more and aim higher? Enough, right?

What if we were just happy with what we already have?

What if, instead on focusing on what we do not have, we started to focus on what we do have, and be more grateful? Or better: why not try to aim higher, but only as long as the focus of the quest is the right one – as an individual, a mom, a dad, a brother, a sister, a friend – or even to make it simpler – a human being?

Back to my epiphanies and resolutions now. I have decided to turn things around work-wise: they are not ready to promote me now? Fine, I will ask my employer to work 4 days a week and take it from there. I want more “me time”, but I don’t want this need to take away from other things that really matter. Like my kids, my husband and my friends.

So I’ve decided: my career will take a small step back for my life to jump forward.

And you? What is your epiphany? Tell us your story and we will publish it on here! getintouch@thereallifeblog.com