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My lockdown saga: the survival of the couple

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Told you that relationship goals during coronavirus quarantine would be my next subject. To be fair though, I had started thinking about this some time before the whole covid19 situation. I guess every couple with a long history – and especially some challenging times behind – comes to this at some point. So here is the second episode of my lockdown saga: the survival of the couple.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you’d meet today the person you’ve married years ago? Would you still fall in love with him or her? Would you still notice that person in the crowd? Would you still be impressed by the way he or she walks and talks?

Life changes you in so many ways…

Think about that. The more we age, the more we change. The things we live, the people we meet along the way. The challenges that are thrown at us, and how we choose to overcome them (or not). This makes you a different person, that’s simply inevitable. And somehow, thank God it’s like that! I mean, obviously, if I could have kept my teenager body at least, with my 35 yo mind, that would have been a pretty badass combo.

I don’t particularly miss the time when I was young and wild and free. Been there, done that, moved on. Ok, maybe I do miss that when my kids wake me up at 6am on weekends for instance. But I am glad that my priorities have changed with time. I am pretty happy with the person I have become. Not every day, let’s be clear. Anyways, point is, as your perspective on life changes, so might change how you perceive your loved one and how his/her flaws affect you. And given that we all have flaws (yes, you heard me, I am not perfect and neither are you), what really matters in the long run is our ability to work around those flaws.

How do you deal with compromise?

Is he as beautiful as you used to see him? Is she as unique and precious as she used to look to you? Do you give the same importance to the same things? Do you still like the same things? The more we age, the less we are flexible and open to compromise. And given that 50% of marriage is about compromise, I wonder whether I’d still be keen on negotiating the same things if I were to meet my husband today?

When I think at my divorced friends, I can see how some of them are now struggling with finding out what they really look for in a new partner. Does that change with time? Probably it does, and I believe that part of the problem is indeed the fact that our needs change too.

Our experiences have an impact on how we chose to live. Therefore, times might come where we need more of something that our partner was never able to give us in the first place. And the problem is, because that particular thing we need now had never mattered before, we cannot expect from our partner to suddenly have it! Nor to automatically understand where the hell all of that is coming from.

Three words for you: trust, respect and empathy

A couple that is capable of nurturing trust and respect and empathy towards each individual is unbreakable. This is what makes the difference and what can save it all, in the long run. I have no doubt.

I find this video particularly interesting and super well done. It’s in French but you can turn on English sibtitles. The whole series is actually great. As explained in here, the key to a successful relationship is found in the ability to grow and change together. Individuals change and so does the balance that keeps a couple together. The moment you deny that life changes you, and that you change with time, the harder it becomes to keep your couple alive. The real challenge then becomes to embark your other half into the change with you. You have to change together and considering that even soulmates can change differently, here it comes compromise again. And negotiation. But as long as you have trust, respect and empathy for each other, you are safe.

Easy, right? Now please try and keep this in mind next time you want to strangle your other half because you have been confined at home together for the past 5 days.

It’s Karma, bitch!

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I have never really doubted about karma. Life has taught me many times already that karma is very real and it’s a bitch. So I usually think twice before hurting someone and I think you should too…

Something happened last week that I need to share because I really can’t get it. I kind of need some help to digest it. I was driving the kids to school and I was waiting to get through a street, wanting to turn left basically. For once, I was very diligently waiting my turn – I even let a couple of cars pass before me. So you know, I was being very kind and nice compared to my car standards. Italian blood – yeah baby – these things almost never happen.

Then a complete ass comes from my left and decides he will just turn in and go. Completely and deliberately ignoring my priority on purpose. Once again, I remained very calm (the kids were in the car and I always try to keep my cool when they are around. You know, the lead-by-example kind of thing, right?). And this complete jerk not only throws himself in the queue, but also throws a middle finger at me.

Yes, just like that, right there in my face, with no apparent reason whatsoever. For all the times I deserved a good middle finger, this was truly not one of those! Is it Lady Karma, who’s been secretly watching me all of this time, and decided to pay me back when I was expecting it the least?! Could be. Or the guy was just a true ass, which is plausible too.

What’s the lesson here?

Well, I think we all knew that karma is a bitch, that’s not new. But I feel like this totally tells a much deeper story. We are so constantly busy keeping up with our lives that we tend to forget who we are. We keep on ignoring that, after all, we are all just humans, who are due to die at some point, some sooner some later (lucky bastards), but inevitably all on the same journey. And – drums – guess what: my success does not necessarily mean you are losing out on something! Still, this is what we do, we throw middle fingers at each other without any reason.

I always say that roundabouts and the way people engage in them are perfect metaphors of life, and the way we don’t give a shit about each other. And clearly this does not just happen at work. It happens in the street, at the supermarket, when queuing to board a plane (oh man, that happens a lot, especially in Italy). We are not grateful for what we have, but we seem to be very clear on what we do not have, and just focus on it.

And this is why I hate social media

Or at least the way we use them. What’s the point in showing off my life, posting pictures of my big car, my beautiful partner, my big diamond ring – we are not helping day dreaming, we are growing hate and negative feelings. And I am not a big fan of using social media to sell stuff either. This space should be used to share experiences, to grow by learning from each other, to nurture hope and kindness…

So this message is for the guy who threw his middle finger at me the other day. I am not God so I will not judge, I can only forgive, but I will definitely not forget. May Karma get back at you in the kindest way possible, and hopefully trigger at least some thinking about all of this.


Second chances

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It’s easy to say you think second chances are great when you are the one asking for it. But what happens when you are asked for second chances?

Some time ago, someone I used to be friend with in the real life sent me a friend request on Facebook. My first thought has obviously been: screw that b****! and I have ignored the request. Given the person we are talking about had screwed me once already, I was not ready to allow any second chances to be screwed again.

As time goes by though, and Facebook kindly keeps on reminding me that a friend request awaits in my inbox, I am starting to have second thoughts.

Should I give her a second chance?

First of all: thank you, Facebook algorithm! I could have very well done without you bringing me second thoughts about second chances and my impulsive decision based on things that have happened many years ago. And second: why is she asking me to be Facebook friends? Has she truly changed (like I am being told by a shared connection) or is she just trying to spy on me and check my life out?

(hey, I see what you’re thinking, I don’t do that ok? Let’s be clear, we have Instagram for that).

But again, if you are not giving second chances to the ones who have hurt you, how can you know whether they were really willing to repair the bad they had done?

Let’s start from the beginning

This person has been very important to me in a very challenging time (when I had just moved to a new city, out of my country, alone and away from boyfriend, family and friends). She basically took me in, introduced me to her friends and made me feel home.

I am not saying we were besties. It has never been about sharing deep thoughts and talking about changing the world. Let’s say it was more about two girls in their twenties, mutually looking for a partner in crime to go out and have fun, that’s it. And I must admit we did have a lot of fun.

After a while though, she started to have some challenges, so I naturally returned the favor giving her a place to stay. I was living alone in a quite large apartment so why not. Unfortunately, that’s exactly when things got complicated between us.

It’s funny how you think you know someone…

…and then you start sharing a bit more than just a Saturday night out, and you realize you did not know that person AT ALL. I won’t go into details as it would take a whole book. Long story short, besides the very difficult cohabitation, she violated my trust. Worse. As soon as I had asked her to leave the place, she had gone telling a completely different story behind my back, obviously trying to paint me as the bad one of course.

It’s the first time I re-think about the whole thing – WOW this has turned apart really really fast. In a few months, we went from big friends to strangers.

When the time came for me to leave the city and travel back to my hometown (note: at the time I thought it would be for good – which clearly was not, as it turns out I am still here, exactly 10 years after that very night), I decided to invite her to my farewell party, in what I think was a very wise  attempt to bury the hatchet and move on. After all, she had done much for me and I thought it was stupid to lose someone just like that. Bear in mind I was convinced I would leave the country forever, so I guess I thought I did not want to leave any cold case behind me (even if selfishly, still, I think I did a nice gesture, didn’t I?)

Anyways, it does not matter because she did not even reply to my invite. Can you believe that? Better (or actually should I say worse), she asked someone to tell me that “the moment was too intense and psychologically charged for her to even consider coming to the party”.

Are you for real?

I remember feeling extremely sad. Very, very pissed off. And sad. A giant slap in my face, take that. Man it did hurt. How dare she? I mean, wasn’t I the one who had been hurt in the first place?

And yet there I was, making the first step to meet her halfway and try to pick up the pieces. But no, she couldn’t even make the effort to send a note, she was too emotionally busy for that. I know the details of what she was going through at that time and I allow myself to say that her excuse was giant bullshit. No one was dying, no one was sick, just a simple family thing with her dad, the kind of situation that more or less every family has.

Hang on a second: was I giving her a second chance at that time already?! Does that mean I am considering giving her a third chance then?

I am starting to think she does not deserve that. But I forgot to tell you that she is the one who introduced me to the love of my life. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be married to a wonderful guy today. Should this be enough, even for a third chance?

And you? What’s your view on second chances? Tell us your story and we will publish it on here! getintouch@thereallifeblog.com

Recklessness for a happy couple

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Being married with kids takes a lot of work and it certainly means you must move away from recklessness. Which, in my experience, is something you do quite naturally and without much of an effort. However, it might not be the case for everyone. What if your other half misses that feeling of freedom that comes with not giving a fuck about danger or consequences? Should we consider inviting some recklessness back in our marriage, to keep our couple happy?

By now you guys know that hubby and I try to book time for ourselves every now and then. Just to have a proper meal without the routine screaming, rolling, running, falling, crying, spitting and burping soundtrack that usually accompanies them. It’s a brief moment of luxury that allows us to have an adult conversation. Or to simply finish a sentence without being interrupted, basically.

Happy couples

Last week, we went out for dinner and somehow the topic of the conversation started touching on relationships and couple goals. Particularly, on those couples, who’ve been together for many years (say 10 or more), and where one starts to see other people or to date other women or men. Just to experience something different – while still acknowledging that they maintain priority for their “main” relationship.

I was curious to hear what he thought about that. Personally, I am certainly against this kind of open relationship (come on let’s be serious, I can hardly share my food with people, what makes you think I would share my husband?!).

His take on this was twofold: first of all, he admitted his admiration for those who are capable of managing multiple love relationships, since – and I quote – “one is way too much work already”.

(Hang on a second, was this his way of telling me that I am annoying and too much to handle?!)

Then he added that, in his opinion, these people are moved by a quest for recklessness. Especially if they have not lived their single years to the fullest and have entered a serious relationship/marriage too soon.

Finally, he confessed that this “recklessness” is something he can see himself missing/wishing for at some point, too. Not because he hasn’t had enough fun hen he was younger (believe me, he has!). But more because when you are in an exclusive relationship like a marriage (with or without kids) you are expected to always be vigilant. To always be aware of and responsible for the consequences of your actions and words.

Truth hurts

WOW. So I should be reconsidering inviting recklessness back into my marriage for a happy couple. For a second, I damned myself for asking the question. I wished one of our kids was there to spill their glass of water, half-choke on a gigantic piece of bread or simply slip off their high chair. But then, I started to understand what he meant. And it does make sense.

Can you imagine how good it would feel to live one wild night like in “The Hangover”? Just to re-center on yourself and feel young and free again? If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, I’d be happy to trade Valentine’s Day with a “Vegas Day”, where anything goes and recklessness has no consequences…


And you? What is your relationship with recklessness like? Tell us your story and we will publish it here! getintouch@thereallifeblog.com

Playing with fire

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I am not really sure how to feel about playing with fire. Most importantly, about THE NEED of it. Is it a bad thing? Or a pretty normal and natural thing to feel? Do men feel the same?

I have been at a wedding recently and it was the very first time I was attending solo (i.e.: we could not bring the kids as the travel would have been a living hell for the whole family, so hubby sacrificed himself and decided to stay home with them. He is the best, I know).

Turns out, even though I had a wonderful time with some of my besties (imagine what it means for a working mom of two to have a whole weekend away from the country), and I am glad I could be part of such a lovely wedding where I met many nice people – I also found out that it is super sad to be part of such a joyful day when your other half is not with you.

The BOSS

The feeling of loneliness gets even worse when all around you are only happy couples (well, couples) and nice little kids who remind you of your beloved little monsters, and a bunch of sexy singles that you can’t do anything with cause even if you are alone, you really are NOT alone, sister!

I am sure the only part of the above that you have retained is the “bunch of sexy singles”. Good stuff guys, cause that’s the part I wanted to talk to you about.

I was not the only married mom who was attending solo and – guess what – I was also not the only one who had noticed the BOSS (aka: Bunch Of Sexy Singles). And apparently, we all somehow feel at some point the need of being desirable, the need of feeling flattered because the BOSS are checking you out, even if you perfectly know that’s as far as the interaction with them can go.

Do we really consider this playing with fire?

I am pretty sure this is super common and nothing to feel guilty about. Especially when you are a mom and you have just gone through a massive body change and it feels about right to know that “you still have it”. After all, we can all check out the menu even if we are not necessarily hungry, right? And let’s not be naive: we all do that anyways, not just moms and not just women. Even the most faithful of us (again, we are not talking about cheating here).

However, I reckon we are talking about that precise moment that may actually be just seconds before cheating, so I guess you understand the danger of the whole thing (imagine what could happen if you encounter the BOSS after you’ve gone pretty wild on the gin – see what I mean?). But then again – if it was not dangerous, would we enjoy it that much?

What’s super funny is that I am writing as if playing with fire was the most human and natural thing one can do, acknowledging without the smallest hint of guilt that I am the first to enjoy that. Still, I’m pretty sure I’d stab my husband in his most sensitive body parts if I’d catch him checking someone out…

And you? Have you ever played with fire? Tell us your story and we will publish it on here! getintouch@thereallifeblog.com

An ex to grind

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What do yo wear to your ex’s wedding?

#askingforafriend

If you ask a stylist, they’ll probably go to town with body shape, hair colour, skin complexion, season, setting, theme… but – oh, not me! And not just because I’m not a stylist, but because there are only 3 possible scenarios when it comes to most beautiful day in the life of an ex:

A) You genuinely care about this person, you are happy for them and can’t help but wishing them well. Then go for something that shows it. Find an outfit that makes you smile, because that’s the most important thing you should be wearing on that special day. (Just avoid long white dresses and everybody will be ok).

B) That loser has no idea how good they had it with you, but you’ve moved on and are now feeling sexy and ready to mingle. Go for it: be classy and irresistible. If you can show the part of you that you used to drive him crazy (but still be allowed in a church), then flaunt it. Dare and have fun – and yes, best men/maids of honour fully qualify as fun.

C) Your heart is broken, the invitation arrived as a cross between a stab in the back and a cruel joke and you still wonder why it won’t be you up there. Then don’t go. Save yourself the hassle, the money and the heartache. Take time to get over it and find your balance somewhere (or with someone) else. And when the big day comes for you, don’t forget to invite your ex (with a link to this post).